In honor of the new year I present to you manageable, detailed, step-by-step instructions on how to make sure your baby gets a bath every single day, so that you can go into the new year with a sparkling clean child no matter what day it is!
Step One: Put your child down for their afternoon nap. They will hate it and cry a lot. You might too.
Step Two: Leave your crying baby in the crib for a few minutes to see if they’ll “figure it out on their own”.
Step Three: Notice that your baby stopped crying only moments after you left the room. Peak in to check that they look mostly asleep.
Step Four: Head to the kitchen to make food. Halfway through your peanut butter and jelly sandwich, notice baby giggles coming from the nursery: your child is not asleep.
Step Five: Get your child up because they’re not going to sleep anyway. Put your child in their bouncer and attempt to finish your sandwich. Notice that your child is very happy in the bouncer and smile contentedly.
Step Six: As you munch the last of your sandwich, take note of your child’s “poop face” and panic a little inside. Shove the last bite of your sandwich in your cheek and hurriedly lift your child out of the bouncer before a poop-tastrophy happens.
Step Seven: Check for signs of a blow-out. Tell-tale signs are: that giant funny colored streak up the back of your child’s onesie, and out the sides of the diaper.
Step Eight: Run the bath water, because there is no way to get your child clean without a bath (unless you want to use an entire package of baby wipes).
Step Nine: Carefully remove and discard baby clothes, telling no one if they make it to the trash instead of the washer – that onesie was too small anyway. . .
Step Ten: Bathe your child.